My mother and I have never gotten along.She has never forgiven me because my father got custody of my brother and me when I was 5 years old. She blames me because I was a daddy's girl so it must have been my fault, not her fault because she was an alcoholic. Well now fast forward 17 years later and she still won't let it go. Up until a few weeks ago we would talk once in a while vie e-mail then bam out of no where she tells me that she doesn't know if she can go to my wedding if my father is going to be there and if he is going to walk me down the aisle, and if "his" family is going to be there.(Mind you he is paying for the wedding and they )I wrote her an e-mail back and said that she wouldn't be invited and then she wouldn鈥檛 have to worry about it. Now I am getting pressured by my brother and grandmother to let her come. But I know if she does she will be hell bent on ruining my day. Should I try to be the better person and let her come or should I follow my heart and leave her out?
Should I invite my mother to my wedding?
You know your mother. If you feel she cannot be civil and just let you enjoy your day, don't invite her. It sounds like you don't have a very good relationship with her. She blaming you all these years because your father got custody, that's a red flag!!
The flip side is, if you don't invite her, you will never hear the end of it.
If you are pretty certain she'll cause trouble, don't invite her. THIS IS YOUR DAY, NOT HERS.
Reply:this is your day do what is best for you, follow your heart
Reply:Ask for help from your brother and grandmother since they're pressuring you so much. Tell them your fears, and maybe all of you can get together to discuss her being invited. Surely with her mother present, she will agree to be civil for your sake?
Best wishes %26amp; Congratulations.
Reply:It looks like either way you go, you wont be completely happy with the outcome. If she is there, you feel she may sabotage your day. But if she isnt there, it will sadden you that she could not share this day with you. I suggest family counseling well before your big day. If during that time, you and your mother can reconcile enough, maybe she can be apart of your wedding. If she refuses to go with you, thats ok. You can still go without her. You and your therapist can help decide whether or not your mother could be a potential spoiler. In the case she does refuse counseling with you, then you may just have received your answer to your own question. If she cant put aside her differences for one day, then she isnt worth having around for anything, let alone a wedding. Be sure to tell her that she is hurting you with her selfishness. I too do not get along with my mother, and I will have to some day decide if I want her apart of my big day. And I read a lot of Dear Abby and watch Dr. Phil whenever I can. They would say see a counselor.
Congrats and Good Luck!!!
Reply:If you have to ask, the answer is no. Follow your heart, it's your wedding, and you should have who you want at your wedding. She's giving you ultimatums that she has no right to give. You've lived with your dad, he's paying for the wedding and she won't come if he's there? Good Lord... don't be emotionally blackmailed by your brother and grandmother about inviting her, the decision is yours.
Reply:You should invite your mum. You could perhaps e-mail her..."Hey Mum, it would be a great honor for me if you could witness my big day. Dad may have his own family now but I'm a part of you, regardless what, and I want you to be a part of my most important day. You'll make me the most most hapiest woman if you come and share this joyful day with me. I need someone to tell me if my make-up is ok and if my veil is pinned correctly and i want my mother to be the one telling me all that and I want everyone to know that I am beautiful cos of my u....."...something like that
Let everyone else know that you have invited your mum and you would greatly appreciate it if they could respect your decision by putting all past frictions aside even if its just for a day.
Reply:be the better person.. and your father is right.. things haven been right.. but on the most important day of your life please do invite her.. wether she would turn up or not is a different issue.. but u kinda owe her this...
i dunno why she started drinkin or what your story is.. but you were taken away from her.. and it did hurt her.. i wont say this will mend things.. atleast it would hurt her more than it already has
Reply:This is a very special day for you ... the beginning of a relationship commitment. Listen to your heart and do what makes you and your partner happy. If there is anything or anyone that threatens to sour this day for you in any way ... leave them off the guest list. Your Mom's behavior and manipulation are who she is and will be at your wedding if present. Be straight with her and tell her you have thought about her email and you agree that it's best to avoid conflict. Perhaps there is another way another time to include her in a celebration ... a dinner out with you as a couple including your bro %26amp; Grandma %26amp; whoever else she can get on well with. No one has a right to spoil such an important day in your life. Begin a new tradition of setting boundries that prohibit others from treating you with anything less than respect. Congratulations on your marriage!
Reply:Have you asked your Father for his opinion? It would be a shame not to invite her, but if she is hell bent to cause problems it will be your Dad and his family who take the brunt of it, so his imput might help you decide.
Reply:You answered your own question in your first sentence of the paragraph.
"My mother and I have never gotten along...."
If she is an alcoholic, and not a recovering alcoholic; she is not willing nor able to take any blame for what has happened in her life.
Children at the age of five are not responsible for their parents mistakes, the person who is making the mistake is responsible.
You have to be the better person to yourself, for yourself, not to please your brother or your grandmother. You do not need anyone ruining your day. Your Mom has chosen to act the way that she has, and you can choose to follow your heart and celebrate with your Dad and the rest of your family.
She has left herself out, your father has raised you, he has been mother and father to you because of her bad choices.
You forgive yourself, enjoy your day with your Dad and other family. Your Mom is only your biological Mom, she is not your parent.
Congratulations on your wedding, I wish you and your fiance the best.
Reply:This woman is setting conditions for your wedding.she must still be an alcoholic.invite her as a guest only but not to have any role in the ceremony.If you do she will ruin your day.She is still as selfish and self centered as she was 17 yrs ago.This is your day and daddy has paid for it.do not let any body spoil your joy.Have
an uncle or a cousin at the ready just in case she shows up.At the first sign of trouble whisk her out.Ignore brother and granny they are hopeless romantics.be a beautiful bride and have a blessed day.
Reply:i think you leave her out!!! it was obviously not that important to her to be there if she said she "wasnt sure she could make it".
HAVE A GREAT WEDDING! THE DAY IS FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE. DO WHAT YOU WANT DONT LET YOUR FAMILY PRESSURE YOU
Reply:i wouldn't and it wouldn't bother me either
Reply:That's a tough one. On one had you want her to be there and on the other you don't want to be constantly looking over your shoulder to see who she's fighting with or what she's doing.
I'm personally not a very forgiving person. If you really feel that you'll spend your whole wedding day stressing over if your mother is going to start something than i'd suggest you not invite her.
The only way i'd let her come is if i sat down with her and had a long talk about why she's soo angry at you for something you couldn't control when you were 5. Explain to her that you don't want her to in a sense 'ruine' your wedding day with fighting. That if you are feeling especially nice and do decide to invite her that she MUST be on best behavier. No drinking at all since she has a history and most drinkers get aggressive and loud when drinking. That you'll have someone watching her the whole time and that if she slips up once, or does anything to make your day less than perfect that not only will you have her removed from the wedding but that you'll make sure she's removed from your life. Maybe that will scare her.
It's hard to tell someone that close that you don't want them there, but what it comes down to is it's your day, and you shouldn't have to be stressed because your mom won't get over the past. I know everyone on here's going to tell you that you have to invite her. But not to sound like a bridezilla myself, but i wouldn't put up with the ultimatium that she gave you about it's either her or your father. They are both adults and she should be grown up enough to sit in the same room with the man that she was Married to. If not for herself, but at the very least for you.
I wish you lots of luck with this...
Reply:Explain to her how important it is that your big day doesn't get ruined. Tell her she is invited to the wedding if she can promise you there will be no trouble.
Reply:Your Wedding will be one of your most beautiful memories of your life.
Don't let anyone spoil it.
If your mother has been angry for 17 years, I'm pretty sure she will use this opportunity to vent her anger.
Don't give her the chance.
After the honeymoon you and your new husband can offer to take her out to dinner.
Maybe she will go and maybe not.
Let it be and go on with your life.
No guilt feelings.
You haven't done anything wrong.
Congratulations on your new life together.
Reply:If you do not have a relationship with her and you do not want her there, then you shouldnt invite her. She has already left you with the impression that she may not behave herself so why risk it. She still has not matured enuf to accept that children cannot cause a divorce and to blame your child for anything that is your responsibility is ridiculous. This is your day and it should be a happy one, so do what your heart tells you to do and dont let anyone pressure you.
Reply:If you know she's going to ruin YOUR big day. I wouldn't invite her. Your family wants you to spare her feelings.. This wedding is about YOU and sharing it with people who will celebrate your marriage. If your mother is just going to make you tense and enjoy your wedding less why bother inviting her. If she gets all defensive in the end remind her that SHE stated that she wasn't sure if she could go to the wedding if your father/ father's family would be there.
Reply:Your wedding day is your day. It should be one filled with joy, celebration, and love. It shouldn't be a time for your mother to manipulate you and the rest of your family. It sounds like she would not be there to celebrate but to cause problems. I would leave her out. The last thing you need to worry about is what kind of stunt your mother is going to pull to ruin the happiest day of your life.
Reply:She is the only mother you have. You should invite her. Then its up to her if she wants to come or not. But at least you invited her. Good luck!
Reply:Follow your heart. This is YOUR day. You don't have to invite your mother out of guilt from others. If you know she's going to try to wreck it don't invite the drama. If you choose not to invite her, be firm when you let your brother and grandmother know too, "No, this is my day, I'm not going to have it ruined by her causing some sort of scene." No one else can make this decision but you!
Congrats on the wedding!
Reply:She is going to try and ruin your day anyway because as you said you two have never gotten along and she is an alcoholic. If alcohol is going to be served she will be drinking and all hell will break loose. This is YOUR day so you have to make that decision with your fiance and other close family members.
Reply:It would be nice to have her there, but if she is going to cause drama then its not worth it. You only get married once and you don't want to have memories of your mother ruining your day. You can always send her pictures.
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